Stoicism is my best friend. I know I’ve been MIA for a while, people, but I figure it’s beter than subjecting the teeming masses with my moodiness. I’m still deep in recovery; it takes time you know. I was always the “brooding poet” – but I still haven’t figured out how to say goodbye to an 18-year love affair.
I’ve made mistakes these past six months – a lot of them – and much of my reclusiveness of late is my way of trying to avoid making more. Forgive me my friends – you are constantly on my mind.
That said, I took stock the day after New Years and decided to make a lst of the 10 worst feelings I’ve had lately – in no particular order. They’re kinda depressing, but it gives some insight into what’s going on in my fucked-up little head.
10 Things You Never Want to Feel
- A feeling of utter and desolate loneliness while making love to a beautiful woman.
- That ripping at the heartstrings when you find out your ex-wife’s ringtone for you celebrates her “freedom” from you.
- Looking around as the New Year rings in and seeing nothing familiar.
- Wrapping Christmas presents for your children alone.
- Knowing that there are good people out there – friends, lovers, partners – who you intentionally avoid because you can’t stand to see the broken shell of who you are reflected in their piteous glances.
- Being so close to having it “fall into place” financially, even after getting raked across the coals, and having a surprise debt that you knew nothing about put you back on square one – broke and living paycheck-to-paycheck.
- Driving a vehicle that symbolizes everything foul about your broken relationship. A convertible bug bought with broken promises and declarations of undying love just days before your world fell apart.
- Looking in the mirror each morning and having a very difficult time finding anything salvageable.
- Not knowing who you are.
- Not knowing if you are capable of love anymore.
